"and how did you feel..." "...regret..."

ok. it's been an interesting week. why, you may ask, am i up at nearly 1am although i am generally to bed very early, even on the weekends? because i'm thinking about how good the world can be. not always me, but the world itself.

ok. lemme explain myself. today, and this past week, i have been not as good of a husband to my wife as i should have. not that i have done anything particularly wrong, however, i have lacked the extra energy put into some pivotal moments. there was today, when i was organizing some papers, that i know she wanted me to organize, and i was taking up the whole table. she wanted a spot to sit down and eat, and i simply threw some papers to the floor, symbolizing discontent with her request. also, i made a big deal about her talking to her family while i was cleaning the house, even though i know that she has many a time done far more than me.

we went out to my new company's holiday party, and it was rather fun, relaxing, and simply good to mingle, everyone really enjoyed talking and meeting my wife. so, we were in the cab on the way home, we got out, i came inside and realized i had left my cell in the cab. i called my cell, but realized it was on vibrate. surprisingly, i became frantic. my wife first calmly told me to let it go, and that maybe i'd have luck tomorrow, but i continued my wallowing and blaming of myself, and she essentially told me to pull myself together, to which made me deeply upset. i called the cab company, finally got through to them and they replied that they'd check it out. after twiddling around on guitar, i finally forced myself to bed, still at arms with my wife, at the same time, dejected that nothing had come of my efforts. nearly immediately the land line rang. it was a fellow calling telling me that he had found my cell in a cab. i found myself hoping that he would be in the area or even if he could drop by and drop it off, selfishly. but instead, he was around 2 miles away (pretty damn close anyway). locating the address on the computer, it was a straight shot from my place, but down many hills, and my foot ain't that great, especially when i want speed. but i thanked him and told him i'd be down there in a bit. i put on my jacket, and my wife, half-asleep, told me to take her phone with me, which i did. then i ran. and i ran. and i ran some more. my feet and lungs were providing me quite a bit of pain, and i wondered if i was a fool for not taking a cab, as the bus routes were over for the evening, that would have taken me near the place where he was at. arriving at the bar, finally, i called him (my phone's number), and attempted to get inside the bar, where the doorman shoved me out (there was a huge line, and he must've thought i was cutting). but i saw him stepping out to try to listen to me (but i had already hung up), and i waved, and he beckoned me to the side door, where he and a friend or girlfriend opened the door. i thanked him, and hoped that he would understand the favor that he did for me, and told him/wished that i could get him a drink or something, but he said it was ok, and went back inside to the salsa music playing. outside i was very happy. not (at least, not ALL) because i had obtained the phone, in less than 1.5 hours of losing it. rather, for other and grander reasons.

the fact that everything could have gone wrong, and yet a kind act was the result of the interaction. i know that losing a cell phone could never be even 1/1000th of the same category as starving, as being tortured, as being forced to kill other people. however, thinking about the overall effect, this simply provides evidence that people, with nothing to gain, can actually help other people just because. feeling helpless, without any possible manner of taking action, submitting to this and giving in to the greater forces, only to be pushed in a positive direction by a caring stranger is something that kindles a fire inside of me. but the greater importance will be the test for me to go out of my way to help others, not only because others do the same for me, but rather even if NO ONE were to do good things i should compel myself to do good for others.

it's curious. i normally see cities in such a negative light. the large structures, with concrete buildings, with cars, and people scurrying like ants. i see the destruction of the community, essentially the soul and hearth of civilization. but, through small interactions, through small parts of care, communities are re-built, or foundations are riveted and futures are much more promising. what distresses me is the the commodification of happiness, the naturalization of struggle and competition as daily aspects of life (i mean, defeating others), the measuring of people by the what-can-they-do-for-you? mentality. but i can also see positives, i can see people walking, cars moving in/out, just like blood, tiny vessels of communication between the larger system that is the city, pulsing with life.

it's funny that one of the things i most pride myself in is being thankful, however, i'm seeing myself increasingly less thankful, less giving of myself, and more egotistical. people write me emails, call me, go out of their way to show that they think about me, and i have the infrequent habit of touching back to them, and don't think as i should be about what i can do to make them special, to make them feel good unexpectedly. i believe that i need to recognize better everything that i'm given, i need to focus on this, and extend my hand to anyone that i can, to provide support.

and i need to look at this first and foremost with my wife. i need to reach out so that i'm not doing what's expected, i'm not doing what's necessary, i'm doing what's beyond that. i once repeated endlessly to her that "what makes life special is not doing what's necessary, it's every small detail that goes beyond necessary that makes life special and happy", and i should be living this more than i am. another thing i recognize is this: when i arrived home, she stated that she didn't know why i was so disturbed about my cell phone, as i didn't want it before, and now i couldn't lose it, not even for a night. my response was that i have a one-track-mind. indeed. i think about this, about the things i've conquered through being single-mindedly obsessed with something, and i realize that my intensity has seemingly subsided. it is definately something i need to re-cultivate, as that is what fuels my achievement, my dreams are twin engines that can blast energy, but only if i pursue it as such. if i live as i ran tonight. anyhow, it's a little late, and i'm off for now. thank you, michael, wherever, whoever you are, for causing me to ruminate about such things from the simple action of picking up my cell phone, and calling the most recently dialed number.